29 July, 2009

I wanted it to be 8

*This post goes out to no one and has no intention of hurting anyone*

I'm sitting here at 4.16 am and I have no intentions on sleeping. I can't close my eyes. I have always wondered what it would be like to be with someone that I can't be with. Now I know. Now I will sit and ponder everyday of my life. Each day when I go to sleep, I look back at my regrets and the things I wish I did and wish I didn't do. This adds another to my list. There are no words but anger and heartache that can explain how I feel now. I'm not sad. Sad is when I don't get that shirt I want so much. I'm not unhappy. Unhappy is when it rains on the days I want to go out. I'm angry, angry at the very fact that my happiness is cut off by the one thing I can't change, my race and religion. It's not that I don't want to accept it, I just want to be accepted. I've gone through too many things and seen things some might never see their whole lives. I'm tired. Emotionally and mentally tired. So tired to the point where I can just laze on my bed the whole morning. Not because I'm lazy but because I'm just mentally tired. No matter how much I try not to think about the issues and problems I have, it still happens. It's heartbreaking because I was happy. Amazingly happy these few weeks. The happiest I've been in a very long time. I felt as if I could do anything. I felt as if God has just shined his light upon me and that I'm ready to take on any challenges he presents to me. But in the end, somehow, those few weeks of happiness was stabbed at the very core of it, gone, in just a matter of hours. No, I don't blame anyone for this happening. With all my heart I mean it when I say that. I blame God. I blame myself. For giving me something I did not ask for. I hate how it controls my life and I can't do anything about it. I would give up everything I own, all the money in the world, every valuable thing in the universe for a shard of happiness now. Just a piece of it. But I know, that one day it would happen. But, I don't want it to be someone else. I wanted someone that really touched my heart these few weeks. People say there are many fishes in the sea and that the biggest fish is the best. Well, give all those fishes to me if you want. But these hands can only hold one.

Giving up on something was never in my options list. But unwillingly sometimes, we have to. For the better good of many and it would be selfish to be thinking of only what you want and not others as well. But I told myself a few months back, that I will never let my happiness be stopped. That I will change to be a better person. To pay attention to every detail. To be myself more. I want to prove that to myself.

I saw a comment on youtube to a movie called A Walk To Remember. She said "Why can't guys be that sweet in real life?" I replied her comment saying "I don't know about other guys, but I sincerely want to be like that if given the chance to. I really want my girlfriend to feel like the most special person in the world. But I have yet to be given the chance like how Jamie's dad gave Landon a chance. If I had that chance I would do the same"

Right now this is how I feel. This post goes out to no one. It is just how I feel. Cuz, writing makes me feel calm and it's my way of getting things of my shoulders, through words. Well, it's 4.49 am now and I'm going to end this post.

With the purest of words