28 August, 2011

Here I am...again.

Oh I remember you my friend. It's been so long since you've last come to visit. I don't have to ask you how you've been though right? Everytime you're around I choke and I find it hard to breathe. Yet again my friend. You've tricked me. Lead me into that dark hole of nothingness. Thanks you know. I was doing fine without you. I even told myself I will never ever let you in anymore. Never. But yet somehow. You always have a way of slipping yourself through my defences eh. Smart motherfucker.

Now I wonder, when are you gonna leave?

22 January, 2011

What If...

It's been quite a while since I've blogged. Guess I've lost the interest in it. I'm leaving for Korea 36 hours. I don't know if I want to come back once I'm there. They say there's no place like home. Well, it's true. But there's not much of a future for me here. The environment I'm growing in, the government, the people. There's not much hope for someone with a mindset like mine over here. I just can't find the rainbow leading to the pot of gold. The light at the end of the tunnel. The bridge to cross this rapid river. As far as I might get over here, I would still need that last piece of brick, the last piece of the puzzle, the password to open the door to the other side. Someone to share it with. I find no hope into finding someone like that here anymore. You were the last one Shelly. As for now that is. But even so, how long has it been? A year and a half now since I've fallen in love with you? That long eh...I've never loved anyone this long before. You're the first. You were my pot of gold at the end of my rainbow, my light at the end of my tunnel, the greener grass on the other side. I've been wanting to post this up saying what I've been feeling all this time but I guess I didn't have the courage to. But, like I said, you were the last. And as for now, I don't see anyone that comes as close to you. Every day, everywhere I go, when I look around me and I see a couple, I just turn my head away. I can't bare to look at the happiness that's just overflowing from them. It's suffocating. I sigh every time I see couples holding hands, smiling at each other, knowing that the person next to them loves them as well. It happens when I look at a girl that's pretty or cute or good looking too. I just look at them and think, "Her? What are you thinking about Imran? Are you dreaming?". I guess it's a fear that's developed in me like a virus slowly eating me. It doesn't kill me though. It just kills my self confidence in women. Slowly biting away at my confidence, my pride, my dignity. I don't blame you though, not as much as I love you my dear. I was quite angry at the fact you got together with someone of a difference race in early 2010 though. I don't know how much of this information is true but, oh well, it's the only information I have of you. I thought to myself, where is the justice in that? Here I was, standing, literally down on my knees willingly in love with you and you chose him? I guess, you thought I wasn't the one that you would sacrifice your relationship with your parents for. Maybe he was, I don't know. But I know I would've been good to you. Loyal to you. I would've loved you with all my heart. But maybe you didn't believe me at the time. Strangely, after you I had one relationship. And she didn't want to sacrifice for me as well. Not her parents though, cuz I met practically her whole family in just 2 months. She wasn't willing to sacrifice herself for me. But either way, maybe I just wasn't the one for you Shelly. Understood. But what I learnt is that there is no such thing as "The one". Fictional it is. Sugar-coated. We make do with what we have. Just like however we have been living out lives. I get RM10 a day as allowance. I make do with it. I make things work with just that RM10. But what I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with you Shelly and as funny as it seems, when I close my eyes every night, no matter how hard I try to dream of something else, you're always in it right before I fall asleep. Day by day by day. Everyday. Strange ain't it? Strange how love for a certain person can stick with you even after a year and a half. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be like that movie "Letters to Juliet". After 50 years. That's a long time to be in love with someone you haven't seen for 50 years. Just like how the last time I saw you was your prom. How beautiful you looked that day (I'm sorry I'm only mentioning how beautiful you looked now). But nevertheless, I love you Shelly. I still do. I don't know if I'm waiting for anything or if I'm the only one feeling this way or whatever. I don't know shit. But all I know is that after falling in love with in June 2009, I still can't forget you Shelly Tan. I just can't to forget you. I' love with you still.