The honest truth

The more I try to look away and forget

The more I remember

The more I try not to think of you

The more I do

Ever the same

Though I told myself "Enough is enough" but I still can't get you off my mind.

I kept thinking how you were when you said you were sick on your blog.

But now I know you're okay =)

A few words from a song keep playing in my head

It's by Mr. Big - To be with you

And it goes like this

Hold on little girl,
Show me what he's done to you,
Stand up little girl,
A broken heart can't be that bad,
When it's through,
It's through,
Fate will twist the both of you,
So come on baby,
Come on over,
Let me be the one to show you.
I'm the one who wants to be with you,
Deep inside I know you feel it too,
Waiting on a line of greens and blues,
Just to be the next to be with you
Why be alone?
When we can be together baby,
You can make my life worthwhile,
I can make you start to smile.

So no matter how much I try not to think of you

I still do

It happens involuntary

How I wish things were different

How I wish you would talk to me

How I wish you were here with me like before

Cuz

"I'm the one who wants to be with you
And deep inside I know you feel it too"

Of songs and wishes

I've been trying very hard to learn how to play Anna Molly by Incubus and it doesn't seem to be working out.

The only part I can get in the intro and pre verse and 3/4 of the verse.

Maybe a little bit of the chorus as well cuz I finally figured out how the melody of the bass goes.

My god it isn't easy.

Especially for someone who does not even know all those "taugeh" notes and chords.

I can only read tabs.

Now I wish I picked up guitar lessons when I was younger.

I just recently started playing the bass guitar for about 3 months now?

Though I've improved a lot but I need a lot of time to play a certain song perfectly.

Because of this.

I finally have a to do list and a Christmas wish list:

1. Bass guitar ( Any would do )


2. New clothes ( Especially jeans )


3. New shoes ( Mine now has holes and is falling apart )



4. New sunglasses by Oakley ( The layers are coming off on the one I have now )



5. Another tattoo ( Apart from the one I'll be getting hopefully on Friday )



6. Socks ( Yes I need socks )



7. New windshield for the Myvi ( The one that's on now has a long crack )



8. New rims ( The one of the front left is a lil dented )



9. Repair electronic window on drivers side ( I wanna wind it down and smoke )



10. An amplifier for my bass guitar ( So I can play at home and make songs with Zac )




11. More money ( =D )

AMY MASTURBATE

Semasa Amirul berjalan jalan
Tiba-tiba terasa gatal
Dia check
Seluar dalam
Rupanya ada hutan tebal
Kerana
KOOOTEEEE BERBULUUUUU~~~
DI DALAM
BANYAK KUUUTUUUUU~~~

Capricorn

I'm getting another tattoo

=D

Puppy Mills

(Copied from Mei's blog)

Most of you probably like dogs.
Most of you probably have a darling shih tzu daddy paid good money for from Pet World..
Most of you probably want to buy a dog.

I don't support buying animals from a pet store. never did, never will.
adoption, animal shelter, road side cuteness all the way. i'd love a little roadside mutt more than a shih tzu anyday.

Ever wondered where your expensive doggy came from before his pet shop days?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE a million times watch the video below and you;ll get what im talking about.

I beg of you. let Charlize Theoren enlighten your day. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDxm8uv8huo

PUPPY MILLS -
hells inhuman breeding ground.

Now u know where you pet store pets came from. yes, not only ur doggies, ur cats, hamsters, birds, snakes and all that too. believe me, i did my final paper on this. and it was the most painful research i have ever had to do.

The vid says US, but it happens all over the world.. Malaysia too. These US puppy mill puppies are shipped to malaysia.. even backyard breeders, people who operates a mini puppymill in their own home to earn quick bucks, are unreported, and exists everywhere.

not buying from petshops means you are doing your part to stop this inhumane puppy mill industry.

think of it this way : why waste hard earned money buying from a pet store, when you can save a life, free of charge from an animal shelter? they get put to sleep (aka killed) if they're not adopted you know?

for more details :
http://stoppuppymills.org/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puppy_mill
http://www.canine-world.com/mills.html

or ask me. :)

thanks.

cute huh? wait till u find out this doggy's tongue is permanently like this because her jaw is permanently dislocated from debarking. they shoved a pipe down her throat to make her stop barking. and how, her jaw is broken.

help us out here. tell your friends about this shocking and hidden industry.
repost this on ur blog.
u can get the video from here.

God bless. unless you are going to ignore this post, then screw u.

Nothing

I'm dead to you

Regarding Amirul's post

Dude, I feel exactly the way you feel. Except that bottle of happiness is only half full. I know I can never truly be happy now. I lost the inspiration to do anything when I lost her. The only thing that makes me happy are you guys (berry family) and jamming. Either than that. I don't look forward for anything else in life.

Some people may disagree on this but you have to realize that everybody does things differently. Everybody has a different way of looking for inspiration. They may not realize what it is but it is definitely different and even though it is the same, its degree is different.

A month ago, I used to wake up at 7.10 every weekday just to text her and not go back to sleep but text her all the way through until she goes back to sleep at night. Even when she fell asleep and I knew she fell asleep, I would stay up and wait for her reply cuz I don't wanna miss the chance to text her. How sleepy I felt I pushed it away. She filled that bottle up until it overflowed. She gave me the inspiration to write, think positively, to have a vision of my life. Now it's all lost. I'm seriously lost man.

Usually, I would be okay in two weeks or so from this kind of situation. But it's been more than 3 weeks now and I feel exactly the same as I did that day.

I guess she made an impact on my life. A really big one. Assignments? Even if I was forced to do it, I don't know if I will. Waking up? Everytime I wake up at 7 and I look at the time, I think of her and I feel like my energy has been drained out of me. She made a very big impact on my life man. For that short period of time she gave me an abundance of happiness and inspiration. I really felt like I could do anything. Anything the world threw at me I'd be able to face it with her by my side. Now, if I would die, the last thing on my mind would be her. Wondering what would it be like if things were different. I don't wanna leave this world pondering on thoughts that never happened man. I wanna leave this world with no regrets and nothing left to wonder. But I know if I did die now, my soul would never rest in peace. I wanna leave smiling, not crying.

So dude, as your best friend. Do me a favour. Never go through what I'm going through now. Regret can kill. Suicide man. It can drive you crazy. I remember the day after she told me what happened, I was screaming, throwing things around, crying my heart out, beating the pillows and the bed, pulling my hair. I don't want you to go through what I've gone through. So please take my advice man. In whatever you do, do it fully. Never give up halfway. Never give up in anything you do. May it be girls, assignments, your book and most importantly, yourself. If there is a certain someone that gives you the inspiration to be a better person, go all out, don't give up on her cuz if you give up on her, you give up on yourself. She's the source of your inspiration. In whatever chance you obtain, take it. Though it may be bad. But do it. It's all about the experience. Take the risk. If we never took risks in life, we would never have been here and what's the purpose of us living now if risks weren't meant to be taken? Risks are what make us a better, more successful person. Never avoid the problems at hand and face it head on. It may be hard when doing it but trust me when you are old and about to leave this world, you will look back at your life and you will know that you have no regrets.

So this as a friend I advice.

My Immortal

I don't blame her for making those choices she did but I do wish things were different.

Truly,

I don't feel like waking up at 7 in the morning to go class now.

At a certain point of time in a day,

I will get sad and I myself realize it.

If I were to ask my friends if I had change in terms of attitude and personality,

I bet they will say yes.

I'm not as hyper as before.

I'm not smiling as much anymore.

I tend to not care very much about what is happening around me.

But for all the heartache that I'm going through now,

I don't blame a single bit of it on you.

I don't blame you for making such choices.

I don't blame you for not texting me anymore.

I don't blame you at all.

Though it hurts as hell but I understand the reasons of your choices.

1) We've only known each other for a month plus.
2) You're afraid of the things in your past relationships happening again.
3) You're not ready to commit.
4) Your parents are against my race and religion

I understand and I can't force you into anything you don't want.

I could, but I won't.

I'm not sorry I'm in love with you and that this is one sided.

I ask myself everyday,

Could it be any harder?

I don't think it can be in my situation.

You know,

Though my birth certificate, identification card and even my student id says I'm a muslim.

You know that I'm not.

It's just a name.

Your parents should realize that.

But what's the point?

I know that whatever I say in this blog isn't going to make a difference.

I know that no matter how much I try, I'm cut off.

I know that it is basically pointless in typing all this down.

But I find a lil more peace in it.

I feel a lil, though not much, better.

After all that's been said and done,

Know that,

I only want you to do what makes you happy.

Ballet, singing, dancing, your family.

As long as you promise me that you'll do what makes you happy and that you're happy,

I'll be happy.

Though I know my love is one sided.

It's okay.

I still love you as much as I did a month ago and I'll continue to love you the same.

So,

Study hard dear.

Get those good results and then you have one less thing to worry about.

Smile for me dear.

Okay?

*hugs*

=)

Acceptance

I've just realized, that for almost 6 years now I have lived my life searching for acceptance from others. As far as I can remember, it started with me being a new boy in school when I was form 1. I remembered the things I did just to fit in. I remembered the things I did just to have friends. I remember my first love. Maybe it's because I could never accept the way I am and till now, I still can't fully accept it. I just can't. This person, this name given to me by birth without my consent isn't me.

But as I grew up, I learned to somehow accept myself, or maybe a certain part of me. But I still needed more approval. Especially from a loved one. It reminds me of a time in form 3. Playing basketball with my ex and we decided to take a breather and as we sat there on that yellow bench looking upon the court. I heard someone shouting, shouting and cursing in mandarin, cantonese and hokkien. I looked behind and realized that he was cursing me. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. I cried. Tears started to trickle down my eyes onto my cheeks as I sat there in the middle of the afternoon on my ex's shoulder. Cuz I couldn't understand what he was saying and why he was saying those things to me. I did understand the cursing, but when he started pointing his finger to my ex, I just couldn't take it any longer. I broke down. I felt so unaccepted. I felt so useless. Come to think of it, her friends never really approved of us as well. They would constantly ask her for the 6 or 7 months we spent together. "Why are you with this malay guy?" Why? What's wrong with me?

But again, as time passed by, my loved ones and friends from both my side and my girlfriends accepted me. But through this acceptance, I could only look for one more kind of acceptance. Parental acceptance.

I'm a malay. Yes. I didn't choose to be it but I was born like this. To my malay friends, no offence. But understand that people do things differently. You may find acceptance in other ways but I find acceptance in this way and understand that after all I've been through, it gets harder and harder to accept who I am because of the people that I look for, for acceptance do not give it to me. Tell me, how do you accept who you are when you have been constantly rejected by the people who you seek acceptance from?

Just recently, I found out how severe it can be.

I met a girl. I'll call her S. She was indeed perfect. To me, we had so much in common. Truthfully, I have never found someone having so much in common with me. More importantly, she loved music and dancing as much as I do and for the first time I was purely excited to know more about her. We met on msn through a friend and I remember her blue font so well. That msn picture of her and her sister. The things we talked about. I remember it clearly.

We met each other on a Friday after her school had finished and I was so excited my heart was constantly beating out of control as if it was just gonna jump out any time. But when my eyes set on her, I was stigmatized by that smile she had. It was so true, so pure, so honest that smile. She came by wearing her orange school shirt, tied up hair and sat down in front of me. As we talked, I realized that I was staring at her. She was and still is amazingly beautiful in my eyes. She had a very unique laugh and a great sense of humour. The thing I liked most about her was that everything she did, she did it so honestly and I felt that she wasn't faking it for it was true. Her laugh, her smile, her movements. After that day, I waited and waited for the next Friday to come so I could see her again.

We started to text and we got close to each other. Both of us admitted that we did like each other but she warned me, about her parents having an issue with my race and religion. I didn't care. I wasn't going to lose her, lose someone so hard to find. I didn't give up on S. We had that conversation twice and for both times, I said I want to go on. Cuz I know how much regret I will go through if I never take a risk with S. During that time, I would wake up at 7.10 am on weekdays just to give her a good morning text and message her throughout her school. I would force myself to stay up and wait for her replies. Though it was tough, I knew it was worth it. My heart sincerely skipped a beat everytime her message came through. It carved a smile on my face every single time.

I realized, that I had fallen in love with her but I knew that it was to soon to tell her. How could I not? Though we have only known each other for a month plus, but still, it's love. How can you stop love? She made me happy beyond my wildest dreams. She put a smile on my face with her loving words and amazing sense of humour. How could I not love her? It wasn't too fast. It wasn't drastic. It wasn't. It was love.

Everything went so well. We planned on what to do, what movie to watch together during our movie marathon, what she would cook for me, what genre of dance we would do together, what song we would do a duet together, what we would do during holidays, meeting my family. I was filled with so much happiness during that time. I loved her more and more for that. For being who she was and I was so thankful to have met her. I loved her with all my heart.

But just as I thought nothing could go wrong and just when my happiness was at it's peak. Everything went wrong. We had that conversation again and this time, she was serious. S decided to end things before we went in too deep to come out. But, little did she know, I was already there waiting for her. And as she pulled herself out, I was left alone in the dark. My heart dropped and I was so devastated that I walked out of my house with my wallet, phone, Ipod and a box of cigarettes not knowing where I was going. All that I could hear was a song playing on my Ipod, Jack's Mannequin - Rescued. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of her place. Just staring. I started to tear. I sat there by the sidewalk listening to that song over and over again.

After that day, that moment. 23 days ago, Monday the 27th of July 2009, 153 text messages from her ago, in the duration of time from 7 something in the morning where we texted our good mornings and she asked me to go back to sleep which I did. When I woke up, I messaged her telling her I was up but with no reply. "Busy" I thought. I texted her again and asked if she was busy or something. Again, no reply. 9 hours 22 minutes and 35 seconds after her last text message to me, she replied me with the news. At that point of time, my whole life changed.

A song and the truth

Menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
Membuatku terdiam dan terpaku
Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

Banyak kata 
yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
kepada dirimu

Aku ingin engkau s'lalu
hadir dan temani aku
di setiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
sepanjang hidupku

Aku ingin engkau s'lalu
hadir dan temani aku
di setiap langkah 
yang meyakiniku 
kau tercipta untukku

Meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil s'luruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tahu
kau s'lalu milikku
yang mencintaimu
sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau s'lalu
hadir dan temani aku 
di setiap langkah
yang meyakiniku 
kau tercipta untukku

Sambil ku menatap wajahku ke jendela
Ke awangan tinggi ku tuju
Apa ku ingati hanya sesuatu perasaan
Perasaan yang pada kian lama sudah ku lupa

Ingin ku merasainya kembali
Namun kehadiran mu tiada
Walau menjelmanya hari baru
Hati ini telah rasa betapa peritnya cinta

Datanglah hari hari yang baru
Walau seberapa ia datang
Hati ku tidak akan sama
Teringatkan cinta tak terbalas ku

Teringin ku kembali ke suatu masa dahulu
Masa adanya dikau

Rahsia ini ku simpan telah berhabuk lama
Banyak kata yang tak termampu ku katakan padamu
Tetapi pada hari ini

Ku ingin meluahkan isi hatiku kepadamu

I close my eyes
The first thing I see is not you
But your soul
Your personality
Not your physical looks
I didn't like you
I wasn't fond of you
I never wanted you
I loved you
I melted at each word you wrote
I needed you
Say what you want
But it's the truth
I loved you
Not for what you look like
But that special feeling you gave me
Those things I looked for in a girl
You had it
Your minor and simple imperfections
It meant the world to me
It made you who you are
And that person that you are
Is the person I've always wanted
The person of my dreams
I love you
And I still do

In a matter of hours

On Monday the 27th of July 2009.

153 text messages ago.

In 9 hours, 22 minutes and 35 seconds.

My life changed.

And now ever since that day.

I've missed you dearly.

I miss the warmth you give me.

Though I am with my friends and family.

I am happy.

But understand that,

Being happy with them and being happy with you.

Are two different things.

They make me happy but you made that happiness even more.

I realized lately,

That I've changed.

I don't smile much anymore.

I don't laugh as much as I do.

I feel so alone.

Could it be any harder

With every second, minute, hour, day, week that passes by
This feeling engulfs my mind even more
Like a virus
I'm afraid one day I wouldn't be able to control it
I'm scared that one day it'll take control

I'm loosing this battle
And it's getting worse day after day
I miss you so very much
You gave me something I haven't had in a long time
A pure and true smile

You remind me

Dracula : Dead and Loving It
- Reminds me of you

Jack's Mannequin - Rescued
- Reminds me of you

Ice skating
- Reminds me of you

The name Sally in an Oasis song
- Reminded me of you

That Spongebob song that I can't put myself to sing anymore
- Reminds me of you

When someone talks about dance
- It reminds me of you

When someone talks about karaoke
- It reminds me of you

When someone talks about duets
- It reminds me of you

When I hear "Robbie Williams & Nicole Kidman - Something Stupid"
- I remember you

When I see a couple calling each other "Dear"
- It reminds me of you

Everytime Wai Yik talks about Kellie
- It reminds me of you

Everytime I look at my phone
- It reminds me of you

When someone mentions SPM
- It reminds me of you

When someone talks about dimples
- It reminds me of you

When I get a text message
- I wish it was you

When I wake up every morning at 7.10am and look at my phone
- It reminds me of you

When I see Yam ice cream on the menu
- It reminds me of you

When I go to sleep each night
- I want to put you to bed

When I think about slow dancing
- It reminds me of you

When I drive past your school
- I think of you

When I'm alone
- I wonder what you're doing

When I'm with my friends
- I wonder what you're doing

When I open my facebook
- It reminds me of you

When I sign in on MSN
- It reminds me of you

So tell me.
How can I not cry my heart out right now.
When almost everything I do.
When I'm with anybody.
I still think of you.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry
Sorry if I'm being too bold on this
But I have to let it out
I need to tell you this

I miss you
Very very much
I can't get you off of my mind
I can't

I miss you Shelly

Fear

If only my dear
You could come with me
Just a day with me
Here, take my hand
Trust me

We'll take a walk
I'll listen to your every words as if it's your last
I'll look into your eyes like the very first time
I'll hold you
I'll stand by you

I'll tell you everything
I'll show you that you're worth it
I'll prove it to you
Prove my worth to you
I will

So let me take you for that walk
Give me the chance to
Cuz I'm afraid
That time will go against me
And that I'll never get the chance

That's what I fear
Day in
Day out
Fear that tomorrow might never come

Qing Tian

Gu shi de xiao huang hua
Cong chu sheng na nian jiu piao zhe
Tong nian de dang qiu qian
Sui ji yo yo zhi huang dao xian zai
Chui zhe qian zou wang zhe tian kong
Wo xiang qi hua ban shi zhe diao luo
Wei ni tiao ke de na yi tian
Hua luo de na yi tian
Jiao shi de na yi jian
Wo zen me kan bu jian
Xiao shi de xia yu tian
Wo hao xiang zai lin yi bian
Mei xian dao shi qu de yong qi wo hai liu zhe
Hao xiang zai wen yi bian
Ni hui deng dai hai shi li kai
Gua feng zhe tian wo shi guo wo zhe ni shou
Dan pian pian yu jian jian
Da dao wo kan ni bu jian
Hai yao duo jiu wo cai neng zai ni shen bian
Deng dai fang qing de na tian ye xu wo hui bi jiao hao yi dian
Cong qian cong qian you ge ren ai ni hen jiu
Dan pian pian feng jian jian
Ba ju li chui de hao yuan
Hao bu rong yi you neng zai duo ai yi tian
Dan gu shi de zhui hou ni hao xiang shuo le bai bai

The imperfections

Time.
Time is unfair.
At the moments where I am happy, you make it pass by like the wind. So fast and swift.
At moments like now, when I wish I wouldn't have to wake up and face this world.
You make it seem like its endless.
I can't even recall the happiness I felt a few weeks back.
Now that I'm alone at home most of the time.
I can't even smile.

A quote I keep thinking of.
Which is very true.
Let me tell all you people reading right now.
Cherish the time you have with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

If they say
"There are many other people in the world better than me"

You tell them
"Your imperfections perfects you. There are millions of people prettier/smarter/better person than you are. But that's not what I'm looking for. Your imperfections are what I'm looking for"

Once you realize that this.

Then you can truly say you love him/her.

One fine day I'll look back at my life right now.

And I'll cry my heart out.

Wish

“When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state, And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, And look upon myself, and curse my fate, Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd, Desiring this man's art and that man's scope, With what I most enjoy contented least; Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising, Haply I think on thee, and then my state, Like to the lark at break of day arising From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate; For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings That then I scorn to change my state with kings.”

- William Shakespeare

Will Smith

"Never let anyone, not even me tell you that you cannot do it"

- The Pursuit of Happiness

Quotes

"Life wouldn't be called life if life wasn't lived to live for.
To live life is to live life with life and not living life wouldn't be life.
So why live life without life when life could be lived with life?"

"Time is against all of us
Time does not forgive
Time does not care about us"

"Be persistent
But be persistent for the right not wrong"

"Wake up everyday with a smile and hope for a new day with new challenges
Tackle those challenges and do not give up
Because giving up on those challenges only means that you have gave up on yourself, not others"

"Why dwell on the past and future?
When the past has already gone and cannot be changed and the future is not in our control as anything could happen.
Why dwell on the past and future and miss out on today?"

"If you think your problems are big
Think again and think hard"

"Aim for the moon
Even if you miss it
You'll still be among the stars"

"Never say never
For never can never happen"

"Don't think you know
Don't think you can predict
Instead
Go with the flow and see what happens"

"Look at others and envy
But do not dwell on envy"

"Love
What is love?
Don't think you know it all
You'll be shocked at what it is capable of"

Stimatized

If I give up on you I give up on me
If we fight what's true, will we ever be
Even God himself and the faith I knew
Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you

I can feel the blood rushing though my veins
When i hear your voice, driving me insane
Hour after hour day after day
Every lonely night that I sit and pray

I believe in you
Even if no one understands
I believe in you, and I don't really give a damn
If we're stigmatized
We live our lives on different sides
But we keep together you and I
We live our lives on different sides
We'll live our lives I know we're gonna find our way

None

You make sure you and your friends take me down.

Cuz if you don't.

I will knock you six feet under.