18 August, 2009


I've just realized, that for almost 6 years now I have lived my life searching for acceptance from others. As far as I can remember, it started with me being a new boy in school when I was form 1. I remembered the things I did just to fit in. I remembered the things I did just to have friends. I remember my first love. Maybe it's because I could never accept the way I am and till now, I still can't fully accept it. I just can't. This person, this name given to me by birth without my consent isn't me.

But as I grew up, I learned to somehow accept myself, or maybe a certain part of me. But I still needed more approval. Especially from a loved one. It reminds me of a time in form 3. Playing basketball with my ex and we decided to take a breather and as we sat there on that yellow bench looking upon the court. I heard someone shouting, shouting and cursing in mandarin, cantonese and hokkien. I looked behind and realized that he was cursing me. I remember that day like it was just yesterday. I cried. Tears started to trickle down my eyes onto my cheeks as I sat there in the middle of the afternoon on my ex's shoulder. Cuz I couldn't understand what he was saying and why he was saying those things to me. I did understand the cursing, but when he started pointing his finger to my ex, I just couldn't take it any longer. I broke down. I felt so unaccepted. I felt so useless. Come to think of it, her friends never really approved of us as well. They would constantly ask her for the 6 or 7 months we spent together. "Why are you with this malay guy?" Why? What's wrong with me?

But again, as time passed by, my loved ones and friends from both my side and my girlfriends accepted me. But through this acceptance, I could only look for one more kind of acceptance. Parental acceptance.

I'm a malay. Yes. I didn't choose to be it but I was born like this. To my malay friends, no offence. But understand that people do things differently. You may find acceptance in other ways but I find acceptance in this way and understand that after all I've been through, it gets harder and harder to accept who I am because of the people that I look for, for acceptance do not give it to me. Tell me, how do you accept who you are when you have been constantly rejected by the people who you seek acceptance from?

Just recently, I found out how severe it can be.

I met a girl. I'll call her S. She was indeed perfect. To me, we had so much in common. Truthfully, I have never found someone having so much in common with me. More importantly, she loved music and dancing as much as I do and for the first time I was purely excited to know more about her. We met on msn through a friend and I remember her blue font so well. That msn picture of her and her sister. The things we talked about. I remember it clearly.

We met each other on a Friday after her school had finished and I was so excited my heart was constantly beating out of control as if it was just gonna jump out any time. But when my eyes set on her, I was stigmatized by that smile she had. It was so true, so pure, so honest that smile. She came by wearing her orange school shirt, tied up hair and sat down in front of me. As we talked, I realized that I was staring at her. She was and still is amazingly beautiful in my eyes. She had a very unique laugh and a great sense of humour. The thing I liked most about her was that everything she did, she did it so honestly and I felt that she wasn't faking it for it was true. Her laugh, her smile, her movements. After that day, I waited and waited for the next Friday to come so I could see her again.

We started to text and we got close to each other. Both of us admitted that we did like each other but she warned me, about her parents having an issue with my race and religion. I didn't care. I wasn't going to lose her, lose someone so hard to find. I didn't give up on S. We had that conversation twice and for both times, I said I want to go on. Cuz I know how much regret I will go through if I never take a risk with S. During that time, I would wake up at 7.10 am on weekdays just to give her a good morning text and message her throughout her school. I would force myself to stay up and wait for her replies. Though it was tough, I knew it was worth it. My heart sincerely skipped a beat everytime her message came through. It carved a smile on my face every single time.

I realized, that I had fallen in love with her but I knew that it was to soon to tell her. How could I not? Though we have only known each other for a month plus, but still, it's love. How can you stop love? She made me happy beyond my wildest dreams. She put a smile on my face with her loving words and amazing sense of humour. How could I not love her? It wasn't too fast. It wasn't drastic. It wasn't. It was love.

Everything went so well. We planned on what to do, what movie to watch together during our movie marathon, what she would cook for me, what genre of dance we would do together, what song we would do a duet together, what we would do during holidays, meeting my family. I was filled with so much happiness during that time. I loved her more and more for that. For being who she was and I was so thankful to have met her. I loved her with all my heart.

But just as I thought nothing could go wrong and just when my happiness was at it's peak. Everything went wrong. We had that conversation again and this time, she was serious. S decided to end things before we went in too deep to come out. But, little did she know, I was already there waiting for her. And as she pulled herself out, I was left alone in the dark. My heart dropped and I was so devastated that I walked out of my house with my wallet, phone, Ipod and a box of cigarettes not knowing where I was going. All that I could hear was a song playing on my Ipod, Jack's Mannequin - Rescued. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of her place. Just staring. I started to tear. I sat there by the sidewalk listening to that song over and over again.

After that day, that moment. 23 days ago, Monday the 27th of July 2009, 153 text messages from her ago, in the duration of time from 7 something in the morning where we texted our good mornings and she asked me to go back to sleep which I did. When I woke up, I messaged her telling her I was up but with no reply. "Busy" I thought. I texted her again and asked if she was busy or something. Again, no reply. 9 hours 22 minutes and 35 seconds after her last text message to me, she replied me with the news. At that point of time, my whole life changed.